


The Definition of Not Leaving

by GoodeyeCyborg



Category: The Transformers (IDW Generation One)
Genre: Angst, Empurata, M/M, Pining, Suggestive Themes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-02
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2019-12-31 22:50:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18323555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoodeyeCyborg/pseuds/GoodeyeCyborg
Summary: Guess who's back with another AU for this ship? That's right, me!Tarn and Pharma were in love before the war. What they've lost is great but maybe they'll get something better back now that they've found each other again.





	1. Chapter 1

When Tarn caught wind of the arrival of a new CMO over at the Delphi Medical Facility his excitement was near immeasurable. This time, he hoped, would be better than the last. His stoic pretense never cracked. If anyone were to dare to ask, he would say he hadn’t been monitoring Autobot comms since he had dispatched of the previous CMO. His arrival to Messatine years ago had been predestined the moment he first laid his hands on Megatron’s revolutionary works. It presented a unique opportunity to him. He was near Delphi and that meant there were medics, medics meant patients and tcogs. It also meant he was closer to finding a mech for whom he had been desperately searching. Sure, it had cost the lives of several head medics, but they were just Autobots. Not of any consequence. Not when they were between Tarn and something he wanted. 

No matter the failures of the past, he had a good feeling about this time. This would be the time the jet he’d met before the war would be there. He turned to eye Delphi’s security feed. Getting Vos to hack into it for him had been as easy as a flimsy “to keep an eye on the enemy.”, Vos had simply shrugged and done it. That was what Tarn appreciated most about the smallest member of his team. He didn’t ask questions. As time passed, Tarn watched the screen with growing intensity. He didn’t want to miss a second, just in case his medic walked by. As anticipation nearly devoured him, his hands fidgeted in rapid miniature transformations. It was a bad habit, or so he’d been told, but really, how could anyone say that loving to transform was wrong? It was what they were made for, wasn’t it? The act served to ease his anxiety and some of the pain that was settling into his smaller joints. He groaned with frustration. His frame always ached, but he’d been having so many good days until this one. He chalked it up to his anxiety and the cold. 

At long last, there he was. His- well to call him a friend wouldn’t correct any more would it? - His  _ former  _ friend. Pharma. The jet looked mildly irritated in the grainy footage. Tarn couldn’t help but smile a bit. That may have been  _ his _ Autobot but still, his favorite Autobots were the miserable ones. Pharma was clearly not happy to be there. Maybe the facility wasn’t as well stocked as he would have liked. Maybe it was messy. The Pharma he remembered was very particular about the places he worked. 

His frame was beginning to ache more than it had earlier. The microtransformations weren’t doing it anymore. Regretfully, Tarn tore his eyes away from the screen. He moved to the middle of his office to transform into his tank mode and back again. Once, twice, a third time, he would do anything to force his mind anywhere but on the pain radiating from his spark and seeping deep into his frame. 

What was he even going to say to Pharma? It had been millions of years since they’d seen each other and now he was miles away from the mech he had been before. His frame wasn’t even recognizable. Pharma was though. Tarn stood upright and let his eyes wander back to his screen. It captured his attention and drew him in, he sat before it again so that he could watch the object of the feelings he could not name. Time had been exceptionally kind to Pharma. He was still proud, still walked with a confidence often reserved for royalty, still beautiful. His wings and head were both held high. Even with the low resolution of the security footage Tarn longed to reach out and touch those wings. They were closer than they’d been to him since the war. Pharma was so beautiful, so seemingly untouched by the war. Tarn was caught somewhere between jealousy and relief. A quick glance in the mirror revealed that the war had touched him. It had grabbed him by the throat and moulded him in ways he was sure he was grateful for.  He was taller than Pharma would remember. Taller and far more capable of violence. The Cause had given him a new frame and a face Pharma wouldn’t know. They’d even given him the mask he had longed for before the war. The Cause made him more useful than anyone else had let him be. He was finally the mech he deserved to be.

Pharma would have to be different too. If not outwardly, surely his spark wouldn’t be the same.  They would have to meet for the first time again. He wondered if Pharma held onto the memories of him the way he was before. Not that it mattered, Glitch was mostly gone. All that was left of him were those memories. 

It struck Tarn then that he would have to tell Pharma who he had been. How would he tell him-  _ could _ he? He had a body count now. The mech Pharma used to know would never knowingly hurt another mech. This change, at the very least, was one that he knew Pharma would not approve of. Nerves aside, he knew he had to tell Pharma eventually. Anything else would be unfair. Tarn could improvise, and besides, he was quite good with words. If he needed to, he’d figure out some way to keep the medic there. Maybe give them a chance to get to know each other before again before he spilled his guts.  He’d waited a long time for this, after all. It deserved to be worth the wait.

There had been so much waiting! Too much waiting! Tarn was sick of it. It had been so long. Lifetimes, for some mechs. There had been stretches of time, of course, where Pharma hadn’t been on his mind at all. He had tried to make sure to never think of the medic when he and his team were punishing traitors. It would tarnish the memories of the medic. They were some of the few truly good memories he had kept close. The old him would have never even dreamed of doing something so gruesome. The memories of Pharma needed to be kept away from that. It was only right. Now though, now his medic was so close he could practically taste him. He wanted his hands on those pretty wings again, to trace the edge of them and feel them twitch under his fingers. He wanted to feel the moist heat of Pharma’s mouth against his neck cables again. Tarn could practically feel his hands wrapped around Pharma’s slender thighs while the jet squirmed under him, begging him to- Tarn shuddered. 

He shook his head, as if that action could erase those thoughts. Tarn’s tanks churned as he realized how wrong it was. He was longing after stranger. An Autobot no less! He was a disgusting mech. He had a job to do for the Decepticons but all he could think of was someone on the wrong side of the war. For a moment, the thought crossed his mind that he would be willing to toss the DJD aside if it meant he could have his jet. He transformed to sit there in his tank mode. The act of transforming and the low rumble of his engine soothed him, forcing those thoughts about Pharma out of his processor. 

Before he could even start thinking about getting his hands on the doctor, he had to figure out how to make him speak to him in the first place. Maybe an arrangement could be made. Pharma was smart and what kind of smart mech would turn down a deal from the DJD? He transformed back into his root mode and started to mentally prepare to head over to the Delphi facility.   

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

If he had to, Glitch could almost perfectly recall the steps he had taken to get where he was right now. Almost. The sudden flood of attention had made his memory a bit hazy. It had been all too easy to get swept up by the presence of his new friend. He remembered telling Pharma that he absolutely did want to come to his place and watch some Vosnian horror film. He had no memory of what it was actually supposed to be about. There had been a chatty, grinning jet with his arm slung around his shoulders.  Whatever it was, Pharma had made it sound incredibly interesting. Then again, he was sure that Pharma could make anything sound interesting. He remembered that the way that the jet had smiled at him. The way his optics had glistened. That look had been so genuine and his optics shined bright and blue and beautiful, almost obscuring the mischief just beneath. 

He had snapped out of his momentary reverie when Pharma commed him an address. Apparently his shift didn’t end for another couple hours and he really did need to get back to work. Pharma stated that he and Glitch would have to meet up later if they wanted to keep talking, instead of shirking their respective duties. Even though they both wanted to. 

He remembered being excited until he realized that address had been to a fairly nice restaurant. Would they allow someone like him inside? Being turned away would be embarrassing for both of them. He still polished up as best he could and met Pharma there. They got in with no problem and Glitch was shocked to see that he wasn’t the only empurata there. He felt silly over having been nervous and had told Pharma as much. Pharma had smiled and taken his claw in his hand, “Sorry, it was thoughtless of me not say something before.”

Glitch had laughed and nervously scratched at the back of his neck, “Buy me a drink and we’ll call it even.”

Glitch remembered being uncertain about Pharma’s intentions before ultimately deciding that, regardless of what they were, he was going to enjoy whatever time he got to spend with him. He knew this was a good way to get his spark broken, but he’d been so isolated that he longed for any companionship he could get. Pharma seemed only too happy to provide that companionship. He couldn’t help but wonder if Pharma was lonely too. 

The walk back to Pharma’s apartment had been as wonderful as the fuel they’d shared. He remembered  joking with Pharma and holding onto his arm. After they’d gotten inside things became more of a blurr. To say he only remembered half the movie would be an overstatement. There was something about a serial killer helping a detective try to catch a different serial killer. Or at least that’s what he’d caught. The plot had certainly sounded more interesting coming from Pharma. What he very clearly remembered, though, was Pharma asking if it was okay to kiss him. Between then and where Glitch was now, had been a whirlwind of hands roaming his frame and praise falling from his vocalizer with abandon.

Glitch was on his back, singular optic dimmed. He shakily propped himself up on his elbows to watch Pharma. The jet was nestled comfortably between his thighs where he nipped and kissed at the plating there. If Glitch had had a mouth, it would have gone dry.  His claws twisted nervously in the blankets below him. At the back of his processor sat a worry that he would tear Pharma’s nice sheets. That one worry grew into something more. This was all way too much, way too fast. His processor finally caught up with him and was far from kind about it. 

_ He’s using you because you’re easy. You know that don’t you? Come on, this is pathetic even for you.  _

**_Stop!_ **

_ Are you going to just open your panels for any mech who’s nice to you? You really think he’s going to want you here in the morning? Please You think he’s going to call you? You’re in love now, is that it?  _

**_Please stop!_ **

_ With a mech you just met. Just because he held hands with you or something? Give up now. Those claws of yours will never hold anything of worth and we both know that. _

Glitch offlined his optic. That wasn’t true! He could tell himself it wasn’t all night long but it didn’t mean anything. His self-loathing was far too persistent for it to matter. He felt coolant start to well in his optic as shame welled in his spark. Quickly, he wiped at his optic with the back of his hand. 

“Pharma?” His voice shook even as he fought to keep it steady.  
“Hm?” Pharma paused, pulling his mouth away from the cables connecting Glitch’s leg to his hip. He cocked his head almost innocently. “Is something wrong?” 

For a moment Glitch panicked. Maybe he’d messed up. Maybe he shouldn’t have said anything. Pharma’s voice was husky enough at the moment to make him forget why he’d spoken up in the first place. No matter how he felt in the moment, he knew that the silence in his processor was only ever momentary. “I don’t think… I’m sorry. Maybe not tonight?” 

Pharma went quiet and pulled away from Glitch. Glitch hid behind his claws. He’d been far too bold in assuming that there would be another time. He peered out between his digits. It would be better to know if Pharma was rolling his optics or frowning. But Pharma smiled. 

“Heh another time then?” The jet settled in next to him. “Do you want to stay here? Or should I walk you home?” He shrugged, “We can even watch something else if you’re up for it. What happens next is entirely up to you.”

“Can I stay?” His voice was quiet as he turned to Pharma, who was already wrapping his arms around him and sighing softly. 

“I was hoping you would say that.” 


	2. Chapter 2

Over his time at Delphi, Pharma had grown used to not getting adequate rest. There was the ever increasing numbers of patients who needed him. In the recent months, the nearby energon mines had raised their productivity quotas. This had resulted in an increased number of accidents with an equally increased degree of severity. 

Other times what woke him was Ambulon having night terrors. First Aid usually tended to those, though. He was the only one of the three with any skill at soothing others’ nerves. The terrors had gotten more frequently lately, and more severe, if the volume of Ambulon’s sobs were anything to go by. He had to assume  it was related to the number of patients they’d been losing combined with the stress of their dwindling supplies. Sure, Pharma had been responsible for a number of those dead patients, but, Ambulon didn’t know about that. He didn’t need to. 

More often than all that, what woke Pharma was just a storm. Whenever Messatine’s temperamental weather acted up, the facility needed to be locked down. It was faster when it was all three medics, but he usually just did it himself. He hated the idea of waking the other two. They needed and deserved to rest.  Pharma had loved the Delphi facility at first, despite its many flaws. He loved the work, but Delphi’s location was hazardous at the best of times. There was always something going wrong that demanded his immediate attention. He was perpetually exhausted, and he was sure it was starting to take a toll on his sanity.

At this hour what woke him was never a comm. He jolted upright and answered without bothering to check the ID. The fuel in his lines went cold when he heard the unfortunately familiar voice on the other end. 

“Open the door.” Tarn said. His tone had an agitated edge to it. One that Pharma had grown accustomed to. He supposed that Tarn prefered to be somewhere warmer too.

Panicked, Pharma scrambled to gather his thoughts. What was Tarn even doing here? It wasn’t time yet! He still had days- wait- weeks! He had  _ weeks _ to meet his quota! Besides that, Tarn never met him here. He had always insisted on meeting on the Peaceful Tyranny, which he knew Pharma hated. Being there was the worst. He had to sneak around, and it was just one more lie he needed to tell his team. Not to mention, being on the Tyranny meant slinking past Tarn’s crew who didn’t even bother to hide their disdain for him most of the time. Not like he hid the animosity they brought out in him either. 

Pharma rubbed at his optics and shook his head. Desperately, he tried to quell the anxiety that rose within him. What had he done wrong? What offense could be so bad that Tarn would drag himself all the way out to Delphi in the middle of the night?

He scrambled to his peds, checking the calendar to make absolutely sure that he hadn’t missed the date. He’d been right. The deadline was two weeks out still. He may have only been two cogs short, but Tarn wasn’t the type of mech to accept anything less than what he asked for. It didn’t matter. He had to get to the door.

As hard as he tried to move quietly, his footsteps were still far too loud. His thoughts tried to drown them out. Pharma could hear Tarn already. Something about how he’s not asking for much, the condescending aft. There would be consequences, even if there hadn’t been for his previous missteps. He hoped it was only himself that would be facing them. 

At long last, Pharma made it to the side door he had told Tarn to use if he needed to. He pulled the door open and waited as Tarn entered. The second the bulky mech had passed its threshold Pharma closed the door. He didn’t need the sudden rush of cold waking anybody.

“What do you want?” Pharma hissed, he kept his arms crossed over his chest defensively, “You shouldn’t be here, especially without warning me first. I don’t have anywhere to operate, and I don’t have all of your cogs.” 

“I know. That’s not entirely why I’m here.” He almost sounded apologetic. Pharma noticed his optics were downcast and not as intense as they usually were. Sympathy wormed its way into his spark. He hated it. “You have at least one, right? Please tell me you have at least one?” 

“Why? How do I know you won’t use it against me if I do?” 

“I won’t. I promise.” 

“You haven’t told me why you need one.” 

Tarn shifted his weight between his peds, looking almost innocent as he decided what all he saw fit to reveal to Pharma. “Everything hurts, Pharma. Its worse this time.” His voice was strained. Their optics met, an act Pharma knew that Tarn avoided when he lied. In many ways, Tarn was one of the least guarded mechs he had ever encountered.  

Pharma nodded and gestured for Tarn to follow him. They had spent far too much time in the open as it was. “Fine. Follow me and be quiet. We’re surrounded by light sleepers.” He led them back to his room.

As they walked, Pharma glanced to his side to watch Tarn move. He couldn’t help but notice how different his stride was. It was a slower and lacked the confident swagger it usually held. Pharma realized that he had unconsciously slowed his own pace to keep to Tarn’s side. Without thinking, he offered Tarn his arm. The tank eyed him for a moment before taking it, a grateful sigh slipping from his vents. 

Tarn’s current state made Pharma anxious. If he ended up dying, that would be it for Delphi. There was no way that the DJD wouldn’t lay the blame for it on him and his whole facility would be burnt to the ground. Tarn leaned heavily on him when they stopped so Pharma could open the door to his room. He’d be more worried, he thought, if he actually liked Tarn.

 

~~~~~~~

 

Pharma had made a mistake! Two of them, in fact, and now there was a small orange mech curled up against him. He should have known better than to let it get this far. 

The first had been suggesting his own place for them to meet. He knew better! Traditionally, this was the part where he would get up, clean himself off and slip out. On the off chance he wanted to see the other mech again, he’d leave a note with his comm frequency behind. It was quick, easy, and completely painless.

Bringing Glitch back to his place meant that he couldn’t leave, which was fine given that the other mech was laying on his arm. Even if he could leave, he wasn’t entirely sure he would want to. Pharma frowned as Glitch nuzzled against his chest all while emitting a quiet humming sound from his vocalizer. His spark fluttered at that. Glitch was too cute and endearing by far. It was enough to make him blush.

The second was that he let his mind wander. He had started entertaining the idea of going out with Glitch again. They could hold hands and he could take Glitch to the theater! Glitch seemed like the kind of mech who would enjoy that sort of thing. He wanted to sit with him on the couch with his arm draped around his slim shoulders, and Glitch leaning happily against him. Maybe they could sit out on some remote hilltop and look at the stars. Pharma had caught himself imagining these impossible things and didn’t bother to stop. A bit of fantasy couldn’t hurt, could it? He could indulge just this once. It wasn’t like Glitch was going to call him after he left. He wouldn’t deserve it if Glitch did want to see him again, not when he had gone into this intending for it to only happen once.

For now, he was happy. He hadn’t expected to actually be happy. Guilty? Yes. Shameful? Certainly. Those were the price he had to pay for the temporary pleasure he had planned. They were only rarely worth it. Even if they’d come this time, he would accept them, even if he and Glitch hadn’t even engaged in anything more intense than making out. 

Glitch had wanted to stay. They hadn’t interfaced, but the other mech wanted to stay with him for some reason. Glitch, who had been through things Pharma couldn’t possibly imagine, trusted the medic enough to sleep soundly at his side. More than anything, he wanted to earn that trust. He wanted to earn the affections of the little mech. He kissed the top of Glitch’s helm and nuzzled closer to him. Both his arms were now wrapped snugly around Glitch. His optics dimmed as he let himself start drifting off into recharge. Leaving Glitch would be wrong. He wasn’t sure he would ever be able to do such a thing. 

The third mistake he made that night was that he had started falling for this mech he’d only met a couple times. It was dangerous, and he knew it. For now he could pretend that the other mech felt the same way. In the morning he could sort out his feelings. 

He hoped that Glitch would be there when he woke.


	3. Chapter 3

Tarn balked at the idea of laying on the floor for something as sensitive as a tcog replacement. There was no way that this was clean. It didn’t matter though, he didn’t exactly have any other choices. He settled onto the floor with a grimace. “This isn’t really the most sanitary of places to do a surgery.” 

“Oh?” Pharma turned and raised his optical ridge. “Would you prefer to be out with the rest of the patients?  I’m sure that will go over well.” He sneered, showing Tarn the tcog he intended to swap with his own. Tarn nodded his approval without looking at it. He didn’t need to. The cogs Pharma provided for him were always nearly flawless. “Oh, and I could go get the other two medics! I’m sure Ambulon would like to make sure you’re healthy.” 

“Enough.” Tarn’s voice had taken a dangerous edge. He really didn’t have time or patience for Pharma’s poor bedside manner. The jet had started getting a little too comfortable around him, and needed to be reminded of who he was dealing with. He tried to lace some of his talent into his voice, but the overwhelming pain in his frame had kept him from being able to focus enough to do it. “You’re letting your mouth get away from you, doctor. Again.”

Pharma should have known better than to keep going. Then again, ever since they reunited, Pharma hadn’t seemed to notice or care much about the way his words cut into Tarn. He couldn’t imagine that he was more careful with the other medics either. It was one of the things that had changed about Pharma the most. Where his tone had once been softer, it now held an icy edge. He was an angrier mech than the one he had known on Cybertron. Tarn wondered how much of that, if any of it, had to do with him. 

“Am I? Hm. I wonder what it is that you think is stopping me from just letting you bleed out. We are underfunded after all. Who’s to say I didn’t do my best to save you?” Despite his words, busied himself with preparing the transplant. His movements were precise and even graceful. Tarn would have liked to watch him work on someone other than himself some day. 

“Have we not gone through this before? My team knows where I am. If I’m not back tomorrow, they will come and do things to you we have reserved for only the worst traitors. And I don’t think they’d let the others go.” He was lying. The rest of the DJD had no idea he wasn’t in his room and asleep. While he loathed being dishonest, it was completely necessary. It was the only thing keeping Pharma from surgically removing his spark. 

No matter how many times they did this, no matter how scarred his plating was, it still hurt when the first incision was made. He hissed and tried not to wince as Pharma started working the cog out of him.  “Speaking of the others, how is that traitor friend of yours? Is he enjoying the time you borrowed for him?” 

Pharma paused with his fingers still seated deep inside of Tarn’s torso. “Ambulon is fine.” He mumbled as he removed the tcog none too gently. The stench of burnt metal poured into the room. 

Embarrassment filled Tarn, making his tanks twist unpleasantly, when he saw the disgust on Pharma’s face. He hadn’t bothered to mention that he’d transformed no less than fifty times before finally deciding to drive out here. It was the only thing that suppressed the pain in the rest of his frame. Only once the two pains had reached an equilibrium would Tarn replace his tcog. The way he saw it, until that point the post transformation ache in his side was just the price he had to pay. 

“Careful, Pharma. If I think you’re losing your touch, I may need to find a new medic.” Again, he lied. There was no other medic for Tarn. Not really. Even if Pharma had no idea who he was, it was still an intimate experience to have him rooting around inside him, even if it was only to remove the offending tcog. 

Pharma scoffed. Tarn wasn’t looking at his face, but he could feel him roll his optics. After a moment he replaced the cog none too gently. Finally, Tarn was complete again. Any discomfort from missing that vital piece of himself vanished almost immediately. After Tarn’s plating had been replaced, he sat up. “Thank you, Pharma.”

He rubbed at his side. His frame still hurt and he would have to wait until he was outside to transform again, but it was worth it. He could have hugged Pharma in that moment. It was thanks to him that he was able to carry on like this, able to transform as much as he needed to. Some day, he would. Not today. Today Pharma wouldn’t be receptive to him making any kind of advance. Then again, that was what he told himself every time. 

“Don’t you need to be getting back to your team?” Pharma huffed, crossing his arm. Tarn couldn’t help but notice the substantial amount of energon still on Pharma’s hands. The color of it was so vibrant against the white plating of Pharma’s chest. It was beautiful. 

The voice snapped him back to his current reality where he was still sitting on the floor. Tarn nodded. “Yes. I should be getting home. You may have an extra week to fill your quota.” 

“How generous. I don’t want to see you until then. I’ll walk you out.” 

“I’ll find my way.” 

Pharma opened his mouth to protest, but apparently ended up thinking better of it.

_ I don’t want to see you until then _ . Those words played again and again in his processor as he transformed and drove back to the Tyranny. Pharma’s tone had been firm. He had meant it in no uncertain terms. There was no doubt in Tarn’s mind about it. He shouldn’t have been surprised, given their arrangement. Still, the way Pharma spoke to him now hurt.

That voice had once been soft and kind. Words of affirmation and affection had once come easy to Pharma. Tarn held the memories of that voice close to his spark. Every whispered word, every affectionate confession, they had all meant the world to him. They kept him warm and hopeful as he waited for the right time to tell Pharma who he once was. Then Pharma would remember and would care for him like he had before. Everything would be good again.  Pharma would melt into his arms and rest his head on his chest. Happiness would once again fill him as they held each other close. 

 

 

“Have you considered transformation?” 

Pharma’s voice had snapped Glitch out of his daydream. He blinked his optic several times as he tried to process what he’d been asked. “I’m sorry?”

“You said your frame hurts often, especially when you use your voice thing. I was thinking maybe you could try transforming when your frame starts acting up. That works for some of my patients when their wiring hurts.” Pharma said with a shrug. “Just thinking aloud really.”

He did that a lot, Glitch had noticed. Pharma would often mutter things under his breath, or just blurt out the solution to some work related problem. He always looked quite pleased with himself when he did that. It was one of many qualities that endeared him to Glitch. His mind worked almost constantly and in ways the other mech couldn’t fathom. 

“That’s not a bad idea. Sometimes when I’m anxious, I transform without meaning to.” He paused, his altmode was a mockery of the concept. A completely useless thing. But, when he shifted into it, he did hurt less. “I’ll give it a shot next time!” It was sweet that Pharma wanted to help him. If he could, he would have smiled. 

“Brilliant. You will tell me if it works, won’t you?” 

“Of course!” 

Pharma’s hand laid over Glitch’s claw and gave it a squeeze that made his spark whirr just a bit faster. “Good. Now, what do you say we head back to my apartment? I have more trashy horror we can watch.” 

Glitch’s optic dimmed, as it often did when he was embarrassed. Going back to Pharma’s apartment and watching trashy horror movies almost always led to other things. Not that he minded. He nodded. “Yes please!” 

Even more embarrassment shoved its way to the forefront of his mind. He’d sounded way too eager. There was an apology on his metaphorical tongue, but when Pharma grinned and made his way to the door it completely vanished. The way Pharma tended to render him incapable of speech.

“Then let’s go, dear. Make sure that chair’s how we found it. We don’t need Ratchet knowing we broke into his precious free clinic.” He smirked. “Even if it was just to dig around.”

“It’s not breaking in if he gave you a key, Pharma.” 

“That’s true. Feels weird to be here without him, though. He said I was allowed to borrow his data pads, right?”

“I think so.”

“Good.” Pharma tucked the datapad he’d been skimming into his subspace. He held his hand out to Glitch, who eagerly took it. “Shall we?”  

Glitch was almost giddy with excitement. He hadn’t dared to actually expect another date after the last one. Why would Pharma want to see him after the way that had gone? He’d overstayed his welcome and they hadn’t even interfaced. Despite his worries, they had gone out several times since then, though. 

The smaller mech wasn’t sure where they stood so far as a relationship was concerned, so he hadn’t told anyone. Okay, he may have told Skids and maybe implied it to Ratchet, and Trailbreaker too… But nobody else! Pharma hadn’t exactly told him to keep things quiet. Besides, the doctor was openly affectionate in public. Their hands were almost always touching and Pharma wasn’t exactly shy about pressing kisses to the top of his head. Still, Glitch worried that if he talked too much he would jinx the whole thing, or he would embarrass his lover and he wasn’t sure which he dreaded more.

The walked for a while before Glitch cleared his intake and looked up at Pharma. He had to know, before anything else happened today. Anxiety wrapped its hand around his throat, threatening to silence him. He needed to speak now or he feared he never would. “Pharma are we a couple?” 

Pharma laughed, causing Glitch’s spark to sink. He’d made another assumption and now he’d ruined this before it got a chance to start! He looked away, and loosened his grip on Pharma’s hand so the medic could pull away from him if he wanted. “S-sorry. Forget I said anything. I didn’t want to make things weird.”

Pharma stopped and turned to Glitch. He reached up and cupped the side of his helm, guiding him to look at him. “Glitch, we’ve spent almost every second of our free time together for the last month.” A smile still creased his lips. “I apologize for not bringing it up before. Heh I had assumed we were. Ah I mean we can be. If you want?” 

Oh. Pharma had been in the same place as him. Unsure as to the other’s feelings. That made him feel better. His bright optic never left the doctor’s face. “I would like nothing more than to be yours.” 

“Good, let’s go celebrate, eh?” 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof, this sure took a while to get this chapter done huh?   
> Things get a little steamy towards the end of this one but it cuts before it gets super explicit. Just a heads up!

Pharma watched after Tarn, making sure he was going the right way. He’d had no reason to trust that Tarn wouldn’t butcher his patients, aside from his confidence that Tarn’s desire for tcogs outweighed his bloodlust. If anyone caught Tarn out in the halls, it was best if Pharma wasn’t at his side. The situation was more manageable if their deal was a secret. With a heavy spark, Pharma shut his door and made his way to his berth. Not that he would be able to sleep. His mind was too chaotic to allow him to rest. 

What had all that been about? He didn’t doubt that Tarn had been in a great deal of pain, especially not with how burnt and disfigured that cog had been, but since when did Tarn come to him? He never came out to Delphi. Ever. Besides that, he was far from the kind of mech to call ahead and ask first. He was demanding and abrupt. If Tarn were to come to him, Pharma would expect that he would simply walk in as though Delphi was his and make demands. Like was wrong. No, at this point, Delphi was his. They lived at his mercy and his mercy alone. 

He never said thank you either. One of the many reasons Pharma hated Decepticons was their distinct and almost willful lack of manners. As if the second that tacky badge was welded to their frames they forgot basic decency. Maybe it was part of their doctrine. Pharma chuckled, it wasn’t exactly funny, but given the way things were right now, he’d take what levity he could get.  

Still, he couldn’t take his mind off the evening’s events. What was going on? Why the sudden change?  Was Tarn dying? Now there was a thought. He had never been that lucky though. Even if Tarn was dying or sick or anything like that, it wouldn’t change him. He’d still be cruel, he’d still be rude. Hell, he’d take it out on Pharma. Then again, that would only be for a short time and then Pharma would be rid of him. It wouldn’t be all bad. It was the only way he saw out of this. Or, that’s what he let himself think for a moment. No, if Tarn died the DJD would certainly blame him for it. They would arrive at his door, angry and out for blood. Even without Tarn they were more than capable of butchering everyone within Delphi and the nearby mine. He had no doubt that they would. He’d heard the rumors of mass slaughter that sometimes went hand in hand with the standard hunt for Decepticon’s on the DJD’s list. The only thing stronger than their thirst for so-called justice, was their love of violence. The hardly armed Autobots didn’t stand a chance.  

His processor whirred violently with progressively more horrifying scenarios. They would kill him, Ambulon, and First Aid one at a time, but that wouldn’t be enough. No, they would make sure to draw it out and make sure the survivors watched. They’d save Pharma for last, Tarn had promised him that much when they met. 

Ambulon would get the worst of it, being a traitor for having the sense to leave the “Cause” behind. Tarn had gone on a long, incredibly detailed, tangent about all the things they were going to do to Ambulon. It was all vile, but Pharma hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it. Every time he looked at Ambulon he imagined him half shoved into that hideous walking smelter they called a teammate, or with his brain wedged between his lips.  He was seconds away from making himself sick over it. Again. It had gotten harder and harder to actually look at Ambulon, let alone be in the same room as him. 

He needed to sleep. Even if it was only for a couple of hours. The CMO sat up and rubbed at his optics. His hands were shaking as he took a flask from the table beside him and drank from it heartily. When in doubt, high grade was the way to go. It always had been and he wondered if that would ever change. Before coming to Delphi, he had sworn off drinking. It was unhealthy, he told himself, there were better ways. Then, this clinic happened. Tarn happened. And now, there wasn’t enough high grade on Messatine to help him. There was plenty to help him fall asleep though. Pharma was grateful for that. He closed his flask and hid it again. 

With a sigh and a pleasant buzz setting into his lines, Pharma laid back and shut off his optics. He was grateful though that Tarn had given him an extra week. Still, he was probably going to have to kill another patient. They just weren’t dying the way they used to. 

Pharma draped his arm over his face and tried to will himself asleep. He prayed that if he did sleep, his nightmares would be minimal. Tonight, the faces and voices of dying mechs pleading to be saved were not welcome. It would certainly take more than drink to silence the voices that too often rang too clearly through his mind. He longed for some form of salvation from his uncountable sins, though he had no idea what form he wanted it to take. 

 

 

Pharma could not believe he had gotten this lucky. Glitch was beneath him, his optic glowing bright with excitement, his clawtips twisting the sheets beneath him. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d had a partner that was happy to be  _ his _ . Sure, they’d been enthusiastic, but that was because he was a warm and willing frame. Mechs one met in bars were rarely after anything else. He had been content with such conquests. They were simple enough and made him feel worth something for a couple of hours. That was their entire purpose. 

Glitch had been a surprise. Their first night together had been spent in the tamest of ways and yet the smaller mech still came back. Still wanted him. He specifically wanted this with Pharma. Not just any mech who said yes. They had passed many nights in the same way as their first, each with Glitch getting more comfortable. He no longer hesitated to touch the medic’s plating. His comfort was most evident now in every sound that left his vocalizer and every movement of his frame. 

“What are you smiling about?” Glitch murmured as he looked up at Pharma with an unfocused optic. 

“You.” He pressed his lips to the plating below Glitch’s optic. “You’re really beautiful when you’re flustered.” Nothing else mattered now. All he wanted was to be with Glitch. To hold him lay next to him and polish his plating and- He buried his face in the other mech’s neck cables to hide the blush creeping up his cheeks. Oh, he wanted this to be his forever. 

It was okay to indulge in these thoughts wasn’t it, since they were actually together now? He couldn’t believe he had waited so long to ask. Of course he had acted like it was the most obvious thing in the world when Glitch brought it up, despite being completely terrified. The possibility that nothing up to that point had been as deep as Pharma thought had been far too great. That maybe, just maybe, they were just friends who kissed sometimes. The only thing that gave him the peace of mind to feign confidence was that Glitch was too honest for that. There wasn’t a deceptive strut in his frame. Not that Pharma could see, though admittedly, he was looking through rose tinted glasses.  

It was fine, Glitch wanted to be here Pharma told himself as he again shifted to kiss the plating where Glitch’s mouth would have been. His hands shook slightly as he ran them over his partner’s frame. This was more high stakes than any of his previous encounters. Disappointing Glitch wasn’t an option. Falling for Glitch had been an accident, but the best possible kind. He had never been lucky enough to have so many things go right at once. Part of him was sure it was a dream and that he’d wake up any moment now. But until then he was going to enjoy every second with his partner that he had. 

Glitch keened when Pharma bent back down to bite at his neck cables. The sudden sound snapped Pharma out of his thoughts. His still trembling hands roved the smaller mech’s frame, eventually reaching his thighs which he tugged up and around his waist. “You’re sure about this?” He asked after he reluctantly pulled away from Glitch’s neck. As his legs were moved Glitch let out a squeak. Pharma couldn’t help but smile. 

“I am. I-if anything changes I’ll tell you.” He said with an eager nod. His frame practically hummed with anticipation.

Without warning he heard the sound of his partner’s valve covering sliding open. He couldn’t help but let his eyes drift downward. His valve was prettier than Pharma would have expected of an empurataed mech. Not that he minded. Glitch only deserved pretty things. A bright glowing orange node flanked by plush, pastel colored lips. Biolights striped those lips and pulsed in time with his sparkbeat. Pharma bit his lip and shifted his gaze back to the other’s face. Glitch, however, had looked away. He was visibly embarrassed and Pharma was determined to make him comfortable. 

“Don’t look at it like that.” He pouted. 

“Couldn’t help it. Its kinda perfect.” 

“You’re just being… I don’t know. Is it possible to be horny and sappy at the same time?” 

“Heh apparently it is.” He chuckled. 

One hand released Glitch’s thigh and traveled to his valve. Slowly and carefully, Pharama’s index finger pressed against the entrance of Glitch’s incredibly wet valve. The smaller mech moaned before burying his face in the pillow beside him. Despite being lubricated, he was far tighter than Pharma had expected. 

Pharma hesitated, which gave Glitch a moment to peek out from where he was hiding. “Sorry. It’s been a while.” He said, breathless. 

“No need to apologize. I just worried about hurting you is all.” He paused. “Mind if I ask how long’s a while?”

“Long enough to-“ He interrupted himself with a slow roll of his hips, rendering himself momentarily speechless. “It’s been long enough. Just be gentle with me.” 

“I wouldn’t dream of being anything else.” He gave Glitch’s hip a reassuring squeeze. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They laid together, Glitch’s arms wrapped tight around Pharma’s middle and his face buried in his chestplates. Pharma’s arm draped over Glitch’s back, his fingers tracing mindless circles on the plating there. He kissed the top of his helm again and again as if Glitch would vanish if he stopped. In spite of Pharma’s constant kisses, the smaller mech recharged soundly. He decided that the second Glitch rolled over or eased his grip he would get up to make sure there was fuel nearby for when his partner woke up. Surely, after what they had just done, Glitch would need to fuel. Though, Pharma didn’t foresee being allowed up any time in the near future.  

“I love you, Pharma.” Glitch mumbled sleepily as he nuzzled closer. Pharma wondered if he was dreaming. He had to be. There was no way he would just blurt that out and mean it. 

Still, he panicked for a moment. Should he respond? Should he pretend he was asleep too? He knew he was being ridiculous, there was no way that Glitch meant it. He was sleeping. Even if he wasn’t, he was surely just following the script that films had been forcing down their throats. He couldn’t actually love him. Pharma was too- 

He took a deep, steadying, vent.

Now wasn’t the time to descend into self-loathing. He had Glitch here. The mech hadn’t left him, and he wasn’t going to. Not with the way he was clinging to him. He took another vent and kissed the top of Glitch’s helm for what had to have been the hundredth time in two hours. In the following seconds he’d figured out what he was going to do.

“Love you too.” 

He surprised himself with his own sincerity and the calm that had fallen over him. Pharma relaxed and allowed himself to offline his own optics. 

It’s not like Glitch would remember the words as anything more than a dream. If at all. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Sorry I was gone for so long! This took a thousand years to edit, but hopefully we will be back to regular updates over here!

How long had it been since they had been reunited? Tarn couldn’t remember. He didn’t really need more tcogs. He had more than any mech needed stored up.  That wasn’t about to stop him from upping the number of cogs that he wanted from Pharma as well as the frequency with which he wanted them. It was awful and it was selfish, but he liked seeing the medic. Every other month hadn’t been enough and it never would be. Pharma hated him for it, that much Tarn was certain of. He couldn’t stop himself, nor would he. He wasn’t one for denying himself the things he enjoyed. Despite his new frame, when the medic came around, Tarn was still the nervous orange mech he had been when they met. He wanted things to be the way they were before, and they each paid a price. 

It had been years hadn’t it?  Years since he’d started coercing Pharma into feeding his addiction. And Pharma hated him the whole time. 

“Burning out your tcog all the time has to be painful. Why not  try something else?” That’s what Pharma had asked him when they had first discussed their arrangement. Of course, Tarn had declined. On one hand, he regretted that. Pharma would have helped him, maybe would have told him he was proud. On the other hand, if he had agreed Pharma wouldn’t have the energon of innocents on his servos. They wouldn’t be on the same level. After everything he had done, if Pharma had been allowed to remain a good mech, Tarn never would have been able to face him. After all, how could Pharma hate him for being a murderer now that was one too? 

Tarn had been ecstatic when he’d finally managed to convince Pharma to visit between deliveries. It had been under the guise of discussing business, but it was still a step in the right direction nonetheless. 

They’d reached his office uneventfully. Tarn offered him some innermost energon, Pharma told him he was disgusting, Tarn blushed behind his mask. It was a good start. Tarn settled back in his seat, cocking his mask to the side so he could drink the innermost energon he’d poured for himself. Just because Pharma refused, didn’t mean he couldn’t indulge. 

“How are things at Delphi?” He asked casually.

“Same as they always are. Cold, miserable, and full of ingrates.” Pharma’s arms were crossed over his chest, his fingers drumming on his arms. “How’s the serial murder?” 

“Still as rewarding as ever.” Tarn sipped from his cube. “I do apologize for going quiet for so long. We were particularly busy.” 

“Heh. I had hoped you’d forgotten me.”

“Never.”

Eventually, he had been able to talk the medic into rubbing his treads. Well, less talk him into and more suggest that he needed it. He was only a little disappointed that Pharma couldn’t see the absolutely smug grin on his face. This was what progress looked like. Pharma didn’t even cringe when he touched him. They would be right back where they were before the war in no time.

Pharma’s digits dug into his treads with a practiced precision. Where had he even learned to do this? He couldn’t help but wonder if he’d been with another tank before now. His jaw clenched as jealousy surged through him as his thoughts wandered. Surely, Pharma wouldn’t have gotten over Glitch so quickly. A change of subject was sorely needed. “Would you like to see my face?” 

“Absolutely not. I don’t know what kind of hideous deformity you hide under there but my optics are better off not seeing it.” Pharma’s hands never stopped moving. For all the cruelty in his words, his fingers remained gentle. 

That had cut deeper than he’d expected. He knew Pharma still hated him, but it never made hearing him vocalize it any easier. The medic knew exactly what to say to hurt him the most. It had been charming, when the hatred hadn’t been directed toward him. When some nasty mech said something about him being an empurata Pharma would turn to them and snarl something that would have them shrinking in on themselves. They’d apologize and move like they couldn’t get away fast enough. It was satisfying every single time. Tarn couldn’t remember anyone else ever defending him like that. 

Tarn considered telling Pharma who he had once been then and there. He could reveal that they had once cared for each other deeply. That there had been a point where they had  _ loved _ each other. Desperate longing nearly overtook him. He wanted to confess and then beg for forgiveness. Just kneel before the jet and pour his spark out. As things were, Pharma wouldn’t believe him and may even hate him more. He couldn’t risk that, couldn’t risk tainting his memories of Glitch. He wasn’t sure what he would do if it came to that. He hated being uncertain.

Tarn rose to his peds, interrupting the movements of Pharma’s hands. He was loathe to pull away from his touch but if he didn’t he would start pouring his spark out despite his best efforts. “Get out.” He forced the words to leave his vocalizer. 

“You demand my presence out here, in the middle of a storm, keep me here under the pretense of discussing business and then demand I leave after less than an hour?” Pharma growled through his teeth, “What the frag is the matter with you?”  

“I would ask that you keep in mind that you are allowed to remain alive by my command alone. My team is itching for you to fail so we can burn your clinic to the ground and finally get to take traitor you keep off our list. Remember, medic, that you  _ belong to me _ .” He laced his talent into the last word and took only a little perverse pleasure in the way that Pharma hissed in pain behind him. 

“You continually make that very clear, Tarn.” Though Tarn could not see his face, he knew Pharma was grimacing. They had both made their points. Pharma still hated him, which didn’t surprise him. Tarn would have to play nicer with him next time. Maybe a visit to Delphi. Yes. That’s what was called for. He wouldn’t confess to the medic eventually. It was still too early, even years after they were reunited, and this whole incident had set them back by months.

The second Pharma closed the door, Tarn was going back and forth between his alt mode and root mode at a break-neck speed. He would need to replace his tcog before the week was out, but he couldn’t make Pharma come back here so soon, and it infuriated him. He’d have Vos do it. The mech’s small hands would be an almost suitable replacement for Pharma’s, and his loyalty was a nice touch too. 

He was angry with himself. He was continually ruining things with Pharma by putting off his confession. It never felt like the right time. He kept asking him to kill more of his patients because there was a part of him, a part that he very much wanted to ignore and bury forever, that was happy. He was happy that Pharma was just as much of a monster as he was. The extra tcogs were also a plus. 

 It was clear that he was hurting his medic and it killed him, but how else was he supposed to get Pharma to even look at him, let alone be in the same room? The last handful of times he had seen Pharma, he’d smelled the high grade on him. He hadn’t smelled like that before the war. Before the war he’d smelled like polish and wax. He’d smelled fancy. Tarn hated the way he smelled now, hated that Pharma apparently didn’t care about his own health. That he drank and didn’t care about how scuffed his paint was, or the dried energon in his joints. All of that would change the second Tarn got him on his ship permanently. The second that Pharma became his once again, there would be no high grade within a mile of the Tyranny. He would make sure of that. Pharma was going to live a long and happy life by Tarn’s side, whether he wanted it or not.

~~~~~~~~

Glitch had heard him. It took everything he had to keep his vents even and his frame still. He wanted to pull the medic closer. He wanted to sit up and elaborate on all of the feelings that felt as though they would burst from his chest. Glitch wanted Pharma to rest his helm on his lap. He wanted to toy with the medic’s chevron while he told him that he loved the way he smiled at him, and the way he said his name, and the way that he held his claw even when there were other mechs around. There was so much more. He couldn’t stop thinking about it. Instead, what he did was nuzzle against Pharma and play the words over and over again in his processor. 

_ Love you too _

He was special. He mattered to someone for something other than his talent. 

_ Love you too _

He was enough 

_ Love you too _

They were laying under the stars, Pharma’s hand wrapped around his claw. Glitch rambled on and on about the constellations. 

“And those, right there,” He pointed at group of stars shaped like a triangle, “Are Mortilus.” 

“Ugh. It’s kind of creepy that he’s just…. Staring at us all the time.” 

“Don’t worry! Primus is right behind him, see?” He pointed out a set of stars that formed a right angle. 

“Heh well, I suppose that helps.” Pharma sighed as he brought Gitch’s claw to his mouth and kissed the back of it. 

Glitch tore his optic away from the sky to look Pharma over. He found himself wondering if Pharma believed in Primus. Ratchet didn’t, he was plenty vocal about that. Glitch figured most doctors were like that, given what they had seen, so he assumed that Pharma was probably the same. It wasn’t appropriate to ask though. Not yet any way.

Pharma turned to him then and the corners of his mouth twitched up. “What’s on your mind?” 

“Just thinking about you,” It was vague but not untrue, he reasoned. “And how I never told you that Glitch isn’t my real name.”

“It’s not?” He cocked his head and propped himself on his elbow to better see Glitch. 

“Nope! I had a different name before… well, when my frame was… when I had hands and a face.” He gestured uncertainly. For a moment he was happy that he didn’t have a face that would betray the way his spark sank in his chest. He couldn’t help himself, he had begun to think about how he’d looked before. Before the empurata he hadn’t been an overly attractive mech, but he had looked better than he did now. Now he couldn’t even touch his lover properly. More than any of that, he hated the way most mechs looked at him now. Before he had been mostly ignored. Now, though, they looked at him like he was some kind of pitiable freak. He hated that look and, more than that, he hated that they weren’t wrong to think that. He had to shove those thoughts aside for Phrama’s sake. “I’ll tell you my old name if you give me a kiss!” 

“Hm,” He pretended to think for a moment, “I think I can do that.” Pharma grinned and leaned in to kiss where Glitch’s mouth would have been. 

Primus above, Glitch loved when he did that. His frame always seemed to warm when he felt the gentle touch of Pharma’s lips on his plating. He would do whatever it took to have lips of his own one day so he could kiss Pharma back. Glitch reached up and cupped the side of Pharma’s face with his claws. He wished he could make the appropriate expression to show that he was happier than he’d been in a long time. “Fair is fair. I used to be called Damus. Glitch was just a nickname for a while after I- well for a while-  then it ended up sticking. I guess. Glitch is a better name for this frame I think.” 

Pharma watched him for a moment before kissing him again. 

_ Love you too _

Pharma had dropped everything to come to his apartment in the middle of the night when Glitch had been unable to sleep. His frame was aching from the last week’s worth of training. His mentors were very much of the opinion that the pain his abilities caused was something he should just work through. Unfortunately, its effects lingered long after he was done. In a moment of what he was sure could be called weakness, he called Pharma and asked what he should do. Pharma had told him to hold tight for a couple minutes. So he wrapped himself up in a blanket and made his way to the door to make sure that it was unlocked for Pharma. Then he settled onto his berth and waited. 

He’d gotten there in almost no time. Pharma entered and knelt beside his berth. 

“It’s your training isn’t it?” 

Glitch nodded. 

“They can’t keep expecting you to- I’m going to talk to Ratchet about this.” He set down his bag of supplies and pulled out a syringe filled with a medical grade and sensation dampening agent blend. “This is, what, the third time you’ve called me because they’ve pushed you way too far? Which says nothing of the times that you haven’t called….” He injected a small amount of the solution into the fuel line in Glitch’s arm. 

“I have to learn to control it so I can be use-“His voice was so small and pathetic as he began parroting what he’d been told repeatedly. 

“Don’t you dare say you have to be useful. There is nothing that is important enough to justify the pain you’re in.” Pharma interrupted. He sighed and handed Glitch a cube of energon and a straw. “Take that slow, okay?” He stood up and climbed into the berth next to Glitch. 

“Thank you.” 

“Don’t mention it.” He pulled the datapad he had taken from Ratchet’s office from his subspace. “Where did we leave off last time?”

“Chapter three.” Glitch sluggishly rolled over so he was on his back. His frame was already beginning to relax and the pain had started ebbing away. 

_ Love you too _

He didn’t need to be useful

Glitch settled in with his arms curled tight around Pharma. The possibility of loving and being loved in return had been unthinkable to him. There was no hope because he was an outcast, a monster in the optics of some. This medic had wandered into his life and made it seem like even all of the bad parts had been worth it, because they had all led him to this exact moment. He couldn’t imagine loving anyone else. Couldn’t even fathom a different mech lying beside him right now. 

_ Love you too. _


End file.
